Policing My Emotions

I grew up in an environment that wasn't safe. It was unpredictable in many ways. My brother says we moved every time the rent was due. I went to 13 different elementary schools. We had several periods of food insecurity, and it was rare for there to be enough food for us to have snacks when we let ourselves in after school. It was stressful for all of us. That stress led to abuse.

So I took refuge in my head. My imagination kept me alive. I dreamed of the world I'd inhabit when I was finally a grown-up, and had more control over my environment. My body was neglected and abused by my caretakers in several ways, so staying in my head was safe. I constructed this idea of who I wanted to be, and strove for that. It was a good strategy at the time. It led me to a very different life than the one I grew up in.

But it meant I didn't give a lot of space for my emotions to express themselves. I saw them at best as hindrances, and at worst as saboteurs that wanted to kidnap me or destroy my life or both.

As any emotion surfaced, it was run through this Checkpoint Charlie where it was interrogated

Who are you?

What do you want??

What do you mean???

If any answer didn't fit into the idea I had about myself, it was shoved deep below and locked down.

And since the idea I had about myself was constructed from an intellectual space and rational way of moving, there wasn't a lot of room for emotions. Especially conflicting emotions.

I didn't understand that emotions don't work like thoughts do. They're not either/or. There's not just one space that can only be occupied by one emotion that corresponds to some idea of what's appropriate. I lived in my head, and I knew almost nothing about how the heart works. Because I saw my emotions as so foreign and threatening, I judged myself for having the "wrong" emotion about some situation. I worked diligently to police my emotions and keep them under control. That meant that I also judged and policed other people's emotions. I think most of the fights I had in my first marriage were about things he was feeling-- didn't express, but felt.

I didn't have freedom to feel my feelings and let them be, and I didn't allow those around me that either. And if we can't be free to feel our own feelings in our own skin, what freedom do we have?

Yet, policing those emotions meant I was stuck in a loop. The universe would keep bringing me into situations to evoke those emotions so they could be felt and move up and out -- "e"=out "mote"=move.All that policing and running from my emotions landed me into the deepest darkest depression I'd ever experienced. It wasn't feeling the feelings that got me there, it was avoiding the feelings.

Afterwards, I learned that my emotions don't want to kidnap me and take me into the pits of the earth. They just want space to be heard/felt. They often came forward like children. Loving witness was the medicine they needed. I learned to build capacity for that. I learned how to sit with difficult emotions and let them just move through. I learned how to cultivate my healthy inner adult and get them behind the wheel of my life. I learned how to get wounded inner children back into their carseats so I could drive my life. I learned reparenting techniques to heal those parts of me that didn't get what they needed growing up.

Not only has it completely turned my life around and help me shake off patterns that had followed me from marriage to marriage and continent to continent, but its helped me as a practitioner hold space for my clients. I don't shut their process down because its stirring my own unresolved stuff up. Its opened up and expanded my intuitive senses and skills. It's deepened my connection to my body, and to the earth and other-than-humans.

It can do all of that for you, too.  Reparenting with the Ancestors can be a great space to resolve patterns that have been repeating but no longer serve. To give to your inner children what your friends and lovers have not been able to provide (and ironically, which we have difficulty receiving anyway until we've given it to ourselves). Reparenting With the Ancestors can also help expand our capacity to hold space for our own and others' emotions by defusing triggers that prevent us from being able to be with ourselves and others in difficult spaces. Take a look on the course description page for a detailed view into the issues addressed in each stage of development. If it speaks to you, won't you join us to get your Healthy Inner Adult firmly in the driver's seat of your life, reparent your inner children with the aid, love, and support of your Vibrantly Well Ancestors, and move further along your True Path?