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The Quickening

I'm sure your inbox was been flooded with New Year New You emails. But, if you're in the Northern Hemisphere, Solar New Year is the worst time of year to be trying to put a new plan into action. The ground is cold. The nights are long. We may have welcomed the Light back at Solstice, but the deepest, darkest, coldest part of winter is yet to come. If we were outside trying to plant a garden, we'd quickly realize how silly it is to expect seeds to start sprouting and bearing fruit at the beginning of January. It would be a deathwish for any plant doing that- extending those tender, green shoots into the air in the dead air of winter means not only the killing off of what came up through the surface, but danger of hurting the plant as a whole.

Winter is the time for dreaming. Winter is the time for staring at the fire. For going inward and being still long enough to give the deeper forces within us space to be heard.I've had some health issues that culminated in surgery in the fall. That's meant that I've been forced to stay still and stare long into the fire this autumn and winter. I've come to be incredibly grateful for that bursting cyst that saved my life, but I seem to be slow at learning my lessons about slowing down and really tuning in to what my body needs from me and prioritizing that above all else. Even when I think I've been taking it slow and being kind to my recovering body, I'm shown that I'm still trying to get up and walk so I can run again --and my body, my dearest friend, is just not having it. Seeing just how powerfully what my mind wants (and what the overculture says I should be doing) can override bodily sensations has been a humbling reminder of the importance of keeping my emotions current and maintaining right-focus. And its given me more compassion for just how difficult and fraught the process of unwinding ourselves from a culture that tells us our worth lies in so many outward markers and works.This winter, I've even had to unwind myself from things I'd attached to in previous unwindings. I had such a fraught relationship with my body, with the vulnerabilities of being a woman, for so long. It was hard work to come into my body. To love my body. To discover the power of the womb and recalibrate my navigational systems. And now, no longer having any remnant of my gynecological system, I'm again having to re-orient and re-learn to navigate. To go even deeper. It seems fitting to have to undergo such a deep and essential questioning to enter the Crone phase of my life. It is a time to re-orient. To learn new ways to navigate.


So much of how I have seen myself and what I wanted from life was decided as a young adult. There are even some remnants of my teen years in there. Through the last cohort of Reparenting With The Ancestors that wrapped last month, I was able to breathe more distance between myself now and the attitudes, judgements, and desires of my younger selves. So much of the judgements I was holding about myself and what my life looks like now were coming from my Inner Young Adult and Teen. Their fear of aging and disdain for all of its markers kept creeping in. In their eyes, a quiet life in unremarkable clothes was a fate worse than death.


I often joke that I miss my knees, but I wouldn't go back for them. My life now may seem boring to my Inner Teen and Inner Young Adult, but I'm happier than I've ever been. Their life may look better in pictures, but so many nights, they cried themselves to sleep. Their inner world was heavily policed (see post below), and harsh judgement fueled a never-ending loop of self-doubt and self-hatred. I filled my life with activity because I couldn't stand my own company enough to sit still. I ruined relationships because I had wounded children at the helm that were looking for someone to care for them and make them feel safe in the ways my parents hadn't been able to. I didn't feel empowered enough--or have enough self-love--to take care of my needs myself. I believed that if I had to do it myself, it meant no one loved me. And I was furious at the world as a result.I know better now.


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